Tell Me About Yourself

Eighty-two years later the top hat wearing monkeys that danced to the Accordion Grinder's music monkeys are still trying to find jobs. The economy collapsed in 1929, and those monkeys are still trying to get their jobs back.

I refuse to be one of those monkeys. Mostly because I can't dance, and my head is to small to wear a top hat.

I am three days away from buying poster board, markers and a fantastic hat and standing on the street corner demanding someone hire me.

 And not as a prostitute.

I will work at Starbucks before I become a street walker.

I've done the job applying thing for several months now. I've gotten pretty good at cranking out resumes, and cover letters. I've emailed, mailed, hand delivered, and filled out more online applications than I can count.

All I need now is the interview. The interview with the question you can always count on. Every single time. You will always be asked this simple question.

Tell me about yourself.

People love to talk about themselves. Listen, and I mean really listen to a conversation and you'll see person A will be telling a story and person B will immediately jump in with an anecdote of something similar happening to them.

You have no problem talking about yourself until you're in an interview. You then realize what a horrible person you really are.

Tell me about yourself.

I can quote Monty Python movies, make cultural references, and keep up with two simultaneous conversations. I have a high source of energy, up for anything, easy going personality. I think Fruit Ninja would be a fantastic game to play with real swords and fruit. I have a blue collar work ethic that built Detroit. I get the job done.

So, tell me about yourself.

I'm twenty-four. I'm a ski bum. I'm a struggling artist who is watching my industry get taken over by computer robots. The robots can write a AP article in twenty seconds, a solid journalist takes thirty minutes. Twenty if it's sports.

I cannot juggle fire. Fire scares me, and I can't juggle, unless you would like me to multi task. I am excellent at working on up to four projects at once.

Tell me about yourself.

I care about the environment, and am pretty sure television programming is getting worse with every season. America does not need seven different types of talent shows, fifteen crime shows, or Donald Trump.

I think ESPN is the worst thing that could happen to sports, and if you're not a blonde female journalist you will not be a sideline reporter. You might be picked up by FOX, but I also think FOX is the worst network in the world; followed closely by FOX News.

I am not a patient person, and I do not believe in being accommodating to people who I feel are going out of their way to be dumb.

What can you tell me about yourself?

I am overly confident, and am a strong independent female. I will scare you but you just have to get over it. I will tell people when I think they are wrong, or when they are not listening. I am a female but I am not stupid. Do not assume I am stupid.

I mispronounce words, and I occasionally stutter. I do not need you to point that out, and yes, I did just mispronounce southern.

Tell me about yourself.

I'm the best damn employee you'll ever have.

So, tell me about yourself.

I'm a 2009 college graduate with a degree in Business Administration and a major in Public Relations. I am well organized, and excel at multi tasking. I can work on up to four projects at once, and will meet the deadline. Every. Single. Time.

I am never late, unless you count being ten minutes early. I pay attention to details and produce quality work. I am social, I like talking to people and learning about them. I also believe that if they take time out of their day to talk to me, then they deserve my fully attention.
 
How could someone not want to hire me?