The New House

I now know how the Wicked Witch of the East felt when Dorothy's house fell on her.

A heavy weight sits on your chest as you look around and try to figure out how you got here.

I signed 75 million pages of documents.

The Wicked Witch of the East was taunting the munchkins. Karma, b*tch.

I was talking to my grandpa today, a man who will put life in perspective for you. He asked how the house was, I told him a lot of work.

He asked what I was expecting.

Candy canes and Unicorns.

He laughed at me.

He told me owning a house is a lot of hard work, and like anything you have to work for, worth having. He also said, do it right the first time.

So here I am, trying to do it right the first time. Without being attacked by anymore snakes. I picked up a pile of raked leaves and a snake came slithering out. It was only a garter, but it definitely caught me off guard, and I had to re-rake the stupid leaves, this time, sans snake. I also found two small toads. It was an exciting day!

The biggest challenge is cleaning up the weeds without contracting poison ivy (there are a lot of plants with 3 leaves and are green. Any other distinguishable characteristics?)

There are a million weeds, but also a million questions.

What is the best way to pull out dead tomato plants?

• Just grab it with your two hands and pull that sucker out. There is now a hole I have to deal with, maybe it can be a home for snakes.

What is the best way to get piles of dead pine needles into the compost bucket?

• I think I need to invest in a shovel. The simple task of raking the needles into the bucket on its side is not working as well as I want it too.

What is the best way to clean a kitchen floor?

• I can hear my mother screaming at me. But the best way is to strap two towels onto your feet, spray soapy water onto the floor and begin skating.

How is it possible for algae and moss to grow everywhere?!

• This still baffles me about the northwest. I'm going to install hairdryers throughout the yard to keep everything dry, under umbrellas of course. I don't want to electrocute Steve the Squirrel who leaves pinecones by our backdoor. He also likes to drop branches on my head.

As the yard ever so slowly begins to look like a yard and not something out of the Jungle Book, I might be able to enjoy the new house. Until we begin painting and renovating.

Just as long as we do it right.