Stupid Green Pipe Cleaner in Tree Form

If Scrooge and the Grinch had a child before they reformed and found Christmas, that child would be my apartment manager.

In a memo left on the door, in an email and personal reminders whenever I step foot into the office: NO REAL CHRISTMAS TREES.

Why don't you go stomp on Baby Jesus while you're at it?

As long as I can remember my family would go out and cut down a Christmas tree. Bring it home and wrestle it into its stand. The top of the tree needs to touch the ceiling and full enough to take up the entire corner, or room. That is a Christmas Tree.

Chris and I are looking at houses. I don't care about anything but how tall the ceilings are. I need the tallest ceiling possible so I can have a monstrous Christmas tree. I have my priorities.

A tree is not one you go to a lot and pick out, nor does it in a box and needs to be assembled. No, those are not trees. Those are pipe cleaner holders.

The last two years I did not have a tree, arguing I would rather have nothing rather than a fake tree. I still argue that.

A fake tree is horrible. It doesn't look like a tree, it doesn't smell like a tree, and it is not a tree. No matter how hard Target tries to convince me it's a 7 foot Linden Pine.

Newsflash! It's not a pine and it's not a Linden if it's plastic and comes in three parts.

I can understand people having fake trees if they are allergic to the pine needles or sap. I still think they make Haz-Mat suits for a reason.

I said I would never get fake tree. I would rather have nothing than a fake tree.

Like last year, I unpacked my Christmas ornaments and placed them around the house. I hung the lights in the hallway, and put up our stockings.

It didn't feel like Christmas. Maybe because I'm not celebrating it like I did for the first 22 years of my life. Maybe because it's 40 degrees outside and I know I will not have a white Christmas. Stupid temperate climate. Or, maybe there is something about having a tree.

I bit the bullet. I got a tree substitute. It's a teeny tiny tree-like-shaped-thing that fits in a small corner. It's a stupid tree-like-shaped-thing.

It holds ornaments and a strand of lights. That's basically it. It also drops plastic green flakes. It is not a tree. I repeat it is not a tree.

Chris grew up with an artificial tree a.k.a tree impostor, and does not understand what the big deal is about a tree out of the box.

He says I only like real trees because I enjoy the hunt for it. True. I love looking for my Christmas tree. I love cutting it down, and I love the smell of pine.

I don't care what you say, spraying pine scent is not the same.

Some people claim the the fake trees are cleaner. I don't understand that argument. I have green PLASTIC bits all over the living room. At least needles fall straight and don't multiply.

Yes, I am being totally and completely unreasonable and finding every flaw with the tree impostor I can.

Also, the trunks of REAL trees aren't shiny. Yeah, I see you metal post.

This is not a Christmas Tree. This is an ornament holder.

I can bend the branches to 90 degree angle. That's not right. I wrote my name in the branches, bending them into an M and an O. Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

I'll tolerate this year, while making obnoxious comments about the stupid tree-like-shaped-thing. But next year?

Oh, I'm going all out for the Christmas tree next year. I'm going to put Clark Griswold's tree to shame. To shame.