Battle of the Grocery Store

There needs to be a person standing at the front door of the grocery store, waving a green flag, to allow the oblivious shoppers to know they are stepping into a shopping derby race.

The grocery store scares mostly because I am terrified of the stay-at-home mothers who corrects my manners, plows into my shopping cart, and drops cereal boxes onto my head.

Exhibit A:

Little girl is standing in the middle of the aisle, making it difficult to get through.

"Excuse me," I say to the girl.

The girl moves, and is quickly reprimanded by her mother about what to say.

"Sorry," the little girl tells me.

"No worries," I tell her as I continue down the aisle.

"No, the correct reply, is apology accepted!" The mother tells me.

Whoa! Now, I admit my manners are not as sharp as they once were, but I'm still holding ground that a) no worries is acceptable, especially in the northwest b) I'm an adult and it's borderline rude for one adult to correct a complete stranger on something so arbitrary c) do you not have anything else to do today?!

Exhibit B:

Someones driving directly correlates how they will manage a shopping cart, and vice versa. If there is one place in this world I religiously use my turn signal, it's in parking lots. No matter if I have to stop or not, I do. There are to many crazy drivers in a limited space.

Unfortunately, not everyone observes to conservative driving methods. As I was about to turn into a parking spot, a small sports car came whipping around the corner and nearly kissed my bumper.

As I was walking towards the store, the same car accelerated out of a parking space and came after me like Warren Sapp to a quarterback. I now know how the Road Runner felt, when being pursued by Wili E Coyote. It's not fun having your life flash before your eyes. Luckily, I didn't have to worry about dynamite or anvils.

I'm almost done with my grocery shopping, I'm stoked, it's been an easy shop once I made it through the door, and I'm nearly home free. WRONG!

The same chick who was driving the sports car came around the corner and nailed my shopping cart. Taking a cart handle to the ribs is not a pleasant feeling.

"Watch where you're going!" She yells at me.

I'm in line at the cashier and I feel like a knife has attacked my heels. I turn around and there is crazy lady. I look at her like "WTF mate?"

"You need to scoot up!" she tells me.

Rule number 46: Don't confront a crazy person. I turn around and ignore the lady who is now pushing her cart a fraction of a centimeter closer to me every time the cashier scans my food. I took a long way out the store and to my car to avoid a woman who could have easily been off her meds. She had everyone, even a ninety year old woman running and diving everywhere as she made her exit.

In the words of Charlie Brown: Good grief.

Exhibit C:

Note to self, always wear a helmet.

I'm not the tallest person in the world, but I can at least reach the top shelf without being a spaz. I didn't realize that was a win until I was attacked by Snap, Crackle, and Pop ten times over. I'm okay, the elves are okay, and the woman that makes me look tall is embarrassed but she is also okay.

I know AmazonFresh among other places deliver groceries, and health and safety wise, that's probably a nice benefit. For entertainment wise, the normal grocery stores at least allow you to work on jukes, spins, and dives.