Don't buy a house

We have a house, and therefore it makes me qualified to tell you this:

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE.

I don't care how much more room there is for activities, it is NOT worth it.

With a house comes a yard. Our yard is goat approved. Meaning a goat could eat our grass and not starve within a day or four.

Our yard was basically abandoned and has required way more Saturdays then was preferred.

Yeah, you heard me. You buy a house and you lose your weekends to keeping it from falling down.

There's insulation, and flooring, and painting, and ugly bathrooms, and horrible laminate floors, and nothing like it looks on Pinterest (yet).

It is a money pit, I swear to God, you buy a house and you just toss money into the black hole that is Home Depot.

You know how when you are in an apartment and your sink stops working and you can just call the front desk and ask them to send someone over to fix it, and twenty minutes later there is a knock on your door?

Yeah, that stops. And now you're required to fix the sink.

This is what I learned.

Self-sufficiency sucks.

You fix one thing, another thing breaks.

You fix one part up and beautify it, and everything else looks awful.

So then you bust out a power washer, which is really fun to use, and then you start spraying the patio, which leads to the house, which leads to the fence, which leads to your neighbors fence, which leads to you now in her backyard, and it really makes the mouse and the cookie conundrum seem small scale.

And even when there is nothing to do around the house, there really is something to do, you're just waiting for the best time to do it. Like next week.

And you're constantly talking to people about quotes for house projects. And then you decide their prices are insane (because they always are). You end up doing it yourself, even though you have no idea what you are doing.

So then you go to the Internet to figure out what you're supposed to do, and then you're given an unhealthy amount of confidence and you end up way over your head, wishing you had never started the project, or better yet, never bought the house.

I'm begging you. Don't be like me. Don't buy a house.

And also, everyone who was so happy for us because we were buying a house, yeah, you kind of suck for not telling us how awful it is.

It is awful, do not buy a house.

Editor's note: I've been informed that my house is on the verge of burning down and becoming a playground for mold. Insulation is touching the furnace vent, making it hot and setting it up to burn. And the bathroom vents do not vent up to the roofs but to an opening on the side of the attic, allowing moisture to hang out on the wood.

All I wanted as new insulation, and now I'm getting holes cut into the roof. Awesome. Excuse me while I go have a beer.

Second editor's note: Between the Michigan State offense and my attic this is going to be a very long fall.