Surviving The Dentist (barely)

I've found the definition of adulthood.

Even if you don't want to, you still have to.

For the last year and a half I've been putting it off. Every six months, for as long as I can remember, I was forced to sit in the electric chair, waiting for my doom.

For the last 23 years I have trained my dentist, Brian, and the hygienists to perfection. We had it down to a science. Get in, get out, no cavities, here's your sticker and new toothbrush. The tartar pick was used quickly and painlessly. One quick lap around the teeth and I'm done.

When my insurance changed I had to say goodbye to Brian, and hello to another dentist. So not cool.

This dentist is drooling over my wisdom teeth. Actually drooling. You would think the Tooth Fairy gave him a percentage for all the teeth he pulls. I only got a dollar, I'm thinking he gets $50 for every tooth.

Brian says I do not need them out. My friend who works in the teeth industry, who I'm pretty sure is friends with the Tooth Fairy, says they are fine, unless they are infected.

This guy was ready to find a shovel and dig them out. I told him they were fine. I think in the process of disagreeing with him, I started the Wisdom Tooth War, historians will be talking about this for years to come.

On the plus side, the new hygienist did give me an option for toothpaste flavor and used a smaller electric toothbrush. The fruit punch flavor is pretty good, but cherry is still better. 

The five things I hate about the dentist:

• The scrapping sound of the tartar pick and electric toothbrush
• It is worse than nails on the chalkboard.
• I will white knuckle the arm rests and clench my eyes, waiting for it to be over
• When the hook of the tartar pick digs into my gums
• For the love of God! I'm not a fish!
• I tend to kick my leg out, since I can't scream. I apologize to the hygienist that walked through.
• Feeling like I can't breathe
• I have the worst gag reflex known to man. I will gag brushing my teeth if the foam gets to be to thick.
• Add someone with an electric toothbrush and I am done for. Ask any of the hygienists I threw up on.
• Not being able to hold "Mr. Sucky"
• I don't like crud floating around in my mouth. I want it out. I also feel like I'm drowning when there are fingers and instruments in my mouth.
• I couldn't hold onto "Mr. Sucky" at my new dentist's office. But I could request it at any time.
•  I put dolphins and Orcas to shame with my amazing jumping ability to clamp down on "Mr. Sucky."
• Yes, I am aware I am being obnoxious
• I did not bite. It's a bummer when you are older than 10-years-old.
• It's frowned upon to bite the fingers that went into my mouth without my permission.
• No means No. Even at the dentist.
• Not getting a sticker!
• For the last hour I have had someone's fingers in my mouth. I have been scrapped, prodded, poked, scratched and am now bleeding. I should have a sticker

Brian would give me a sticker. He gives me a sticker and I don't bite him on my next visit. Training a dentist is not a lot different than training a puppy.

So, here I go, off to train another dentist. I wonder if he would learn by the rolled up newspaper approach? No, that's obnoxious.